Sorry for the late arrival guys. Uni is heating up, Seags and I are both flooded by assignments! Don’t worry, we’ll be back bigger and better than ever next season! With reinforcements! However for now we have 2 gameweeks remaining, so let’s take a brief look at our second last winners and losers…
- Bale – If you don’t have him then well… Your havin a laugh. Which I can fully appreciate after the events of last weekend (more to come). I hope Bale leaves so I can place him on the never again list! Welsh monkey.
- Walcott – He is heating up and carrying Arsenal’s top 4 hopes with him as we close in on the end of the season. This bloke is a must have in your midfield, he’s on fire.
- Hart – I spoke in depth about Man City’s defence and was proved right. Shame most of them benched the second game! If you grabbed Hart though then well done to you!
- Agbonlahor – The whore is shredding it up currently and I wouldn’t put anything past Aston Villa at the moment. Wait, I would. Chelsea will win comfortably so be careful in trading him in. He’s not known for his consistency.
- Kone – He did his job last weekend so well done to him! Now dump his ass.
- Azpilicueta – He shocked me with an 8 point performance away at Old Trafford. Unheard of! He also played both games, good on the lad. Star player and a great option, just not for the rest of this season.
- Michu – Did his hammy. What a time to do his ****in hammy! You’ll know why in a second… I doubt he’l be back this year if I’m honest, it’s not worth it for swansea surely…
- Gerrard – After shouting his praises last week I can now safely allow the brutal trade of Old man Gerrard to anyone with legs. However I would advise Walcott/Mata if you don’t have them.
- Hazard – Pulled his cock before the United game so he had to sit out. Very close to my never again list aswell this bloke… Just as bad as Santi!
- De Gea – **** you Fergie, this was another ballbreaker.
- Fellaini – 5 games without a goal and Moyes on his way. I can see the BFB (Big Fucking Belgium, yes I can make up new acronyms) leaving to.
- Tevez/Aguero – Mr Mancini can play who he likes. He’ll still get the sack. Don’t spend big on forwards who can easily bench playing for a team that hardly scores goals. Harsh? I think not.
- Defoe – I backed this little **** up last week and look how he repaid me. A pitiful performance against Southampton and a bench appearance against Chelsea. Stinker!
- Me – You may think this edition is a little bitter. Angry perhaps? You’d be exactly right. I have a long tale with many shit stories to tell but here’s the jist of it. I’m the best point scorer in my cash league by almost 200, I’m ranked 360k ahead of the second best. Yet I’m sitting 4th. The prize money is top 3. How did this happen? Well ignore the previous 35 gameweeks of rigged fixturing, a win was all I needed this week to set up the battle of the century. Me and my mate were placed 2nd and 3rd and play each other in GW 38. The decider with all the games over in 90 minutes. The perfect set-up! I had 3 more players with a double and a seemingly better team. Where did the shit start? Well firstly hazard doesn’t play, then Michu gets injured and De Gea doesn’t even appear. Tevez benches but my Man City defence held me above water. Until they both got dropped from the team against West Brom, dually going onto grab a clean sheet. But all was not lost. I was 1 point behind with Vertongen, Hazard and Bale to come against his Mata. Surely. Surely… By the end of the game I knew Mata had done nothing and I celebrated my 1 point victory (after Vertonghen’s yellow card). Little did I know that Bale had got a sneaky (soft) yellow card in the 87th minute to draw the game. Are you ****ing me? Just a summary of my season. Of this season in general! A steaming pile of horseshit. I’ve had to hold that in all week so, it feels good! Can anyone beat that? I doubt it.
- Kone – Sorry lads but I’m running out of time here, I’ll need to keep this short. If you have any queries let me know in the comments or on twitter. Trade.
- Lambert – Keep.
- Walcott – Trade in.
- Oscar – Don’t trade in.
- Fellaini – Trade in if you must, keep if you have him. Simple!
Mata – Solid option but don’t captain.
Sturridge – I really like him this week but a clear option or two that pip him.
1. Walcott – Wigan at home? I smell goals. There has to be! Theo is on fire at the moment and is locked in as my captain thanks to my new hatred towards Bale.
2. Bale – You can captain him on pure blind faith and if you’re in a tight league, I suggest you do so. If you don’t really care anymore and want a slight risk, Theo is the go!
3. Van Persie – He looks great on paper. Maybe he knew something everyone else didn’t with his mad celebrations towards Sir Alex. Surely he’ll play the last 2 games in Fergie’s swansong. Another great option if you still own him.
Fellaini – Pure and utter blind faith this one. I don’t have a gut feeling about him, but if you want to have some fun then YOLO! yeah… Sorry. It had to be said!
Sorry for the rush at the end but I couldn’t help it. If you need to ask anything just hit me up in the comments or on twitter. I’m always happy to answer your questions! Thanks for sticking with us this year and we’ll be back bigger and better than ever next season. I’ll make sure I’m on time for the final gameweek, have faith! (I don’t blame you if you don’t). Cheers.