Pre-Season – What We’ve Learnt

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One of our favoured articles last season, sometimes you just need a good laugh. The Jalbatrostic eagle (i.e Jalba, Jalba1, Jalbatross, Tros, The Golden Stallion… or just Jord) feels he can give it a crack, don’t be too harsh on him. So, what have we learnt so far this pre-season?

  • Torres feels more left out than the fat kid on sports day
  • West Ham have bypassed the transfer market and gone straight to the flop market
  • Van Persie continues to score more than Terry at bring your wife to work day
  • Kone is fighting for a starting spot; he’s not used to combat without his children.
  • Arsenal has continued their run of great run of summer signings and look set to contest for the title… Said only Arsene
  • Spurs have placed a 35 million bid for the services of Erik Lamela – If he comes to the epl my tits will be harder than on a frosty winter’s night.
  • The saucy spending pigs that are Man City have bid 35 million for Will.i.a.n, proving that the salary cap is more useless than the Australian Middle order… Then again.
  • Meanwhile for Chelsea, Lukaku’s log is finally ready after working long and hard, he is ready to penetrate any defence the league throws at him.
  • We’ve also learned that City need 4 strikers, because 3 wasn’t enough last season. We can expect to see half the world’s striking population there by 2020.
  • Mourinho is set to be the first Chelsea manager to manage for a full season since PES was actually recognised as a good football game.
  • Van Winky and Hooper will most likely tear defences apart and thus could be a dream duo, and could bring out the best in Snodgrass. Probably the first serious piece of info, I apologise.
  • Giroud has shown in preseason that he can actually do what a striker is required; score goals, and looks set to crack the 15 goal mark. A record for an Arsenal signing since the turn of the decade.
  • Frimpong should once again focus on his rapping as his football is about as dead as Lost was after the first two seasons.
  • Benteke = Goals – Not much else to say really
  • The Scud (Anelka) will return to the grand stage and caress balls into the back of the net cleaner than Joseph Fritzel over his 24 year career. For those who don’t get this reference, google the man, it truly is an inspirational story.
  • Stoke will once again try to reach their main target of scoring 30 goals in a season, but have potentially made a move for the hottest group of cheerleaders in the UK. How else will they get people to their games?

In summary? A lot of shit has gone tits up, without anything actually happening. If that makes sense. The transfer market is overpriced, a bit like the PC FUT market, and every player which we were looking forward to seeing in the epl this season has either f**ked off to Monaco or rolled in the $1000 bills at PSG. Nevertheless the season will be stunning and I’m highly erect at the thought of GW1 finally rolling around, my Winter hibernation is now officially over. Peace. (Yes he said that)

If you want some more lols or just wanna be my 4th follower, follow me on twatter @JordanMenchett1

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