Seags’ Scrawlings- GW2

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Yo dudes- welcome to Seags’ scrawlings for 2014.

This article is purely about what I’ve noticed about the Premier League over the weekends games, through the eyes of my FPL tinted glasses. It will be slightly informative, but more about making jokes about celebrities that are fuckheads. Rolf Harris, for example, will cop a pasting all year.

So without further ado, here’s what I learnt this week.


Aston Villa 0  v Newcastle 0

  • Remy Cabella is a slippery slippery player. He’ll cause a lot of headaches for defenders and is one to keep an eye on… don’t let his 0 attacking returns so far fool you. He’ll come good eventually
  • Between Guzan, Hutton and Senderos, there’s surely a candidate for an advanced hair ambassador. When they stand next to each other they look like a 6 year olds knuckles.
  • Newcastle will click eventually. Probably around Bastille Day.

Chelsea 2  v Leicester 0

  • Fabregas and Oscar are interchanging between dropping deep and playing forward. This probably hurts the Brazilian’s output, but it’s fab for Fab.
  • Leicester aren’t shit. I mean, they won’t set the world on fire, but at least they’re not QPR.
  • Diego Cost-a fortune, but he’s worth it. News emanating about his hamstring injury should be taken with a grain of salt until anything is done about him though.

Crystal Palace 1 v West Ham 3

  • West Ham is an anagram of Wet Sham. Or Ham Stew. Both are entertaining.
  • Any team that concedes three goals to West Ham should be sent to the glue factory.
  • What does it say about Arsenal that they only just got up against Crystal Palace AT HOME!

Southampton 0 v West Brom 0

  • Dusan Tadic sounds like the name of a European prostitute trafficker that Liam Neeson would thwart in ‘Taken‘, but he’s actually a mighty fine final ball player. Don’t forget about him.
  • There were less shots in the game than a 9 year old girl managed with an Uzi at ‘Bullets and Burgers’ in the USA. Look it up.
  • Only 4 players who started the first home game of Southampton’s 2013/14 season started the first of this season.

Swansea v Burnley

  • Sigurdsson is a must have. He’s playing a juicier role than the role Sofia Vergara plays in Fading Gigolo.
    • She plays an escort. Sofia Vergara. Plays. An. Escort. There’s my weekend sorted.
  • Burnley’s manager looks like a grown up Ron Weasley on Steroids who has lost his wife and spent his life savings on the pokies. Maybe.
  • Nobody from Burnley is fantasy relevant. Nobody.

Everton v Arsenal

  • Giroud is out which means it’s Sanogo or Sanchez filling the void up front. Ones to consider.
  • Steven Naismith just keeps getting it done. Bringing him in would make me feel dirty though. Like eating a large KFC meal. Or enjoying midget porn.

Hull v Stoke

  • Calling it now- Hull will finish top 10. Defensively sound.
  • Calling it now- Stoke will be relegated. I hope. They’ve annoyed me for far too long
  • Stoke have kept 3 clean sheets in 25 PL matches. Avoid.

Tottenham v QPR

  • QPR are the worst defensive side I’ve seen in the last 10 years in the PL. It’s like they want to concede.
  • Rio Ferdinand, Rob Green and Richard Dunne wouldn’t make the 4×100 metre relay team at an Under 8 sports day in Chernobyl.
  • Lamela is dazzling. It’s a matter of time before he goes all Boston Marathon on us and explodes into the headlines.

Sunderland v Man United

  • Man United have the worst back line of anyone besides QPR.
  • Ashley Young is a diver. In other news, bears shit in the woods, Joey Barton is a cunt, and the Catholic Church encourages pedophilia.
  • Cleverley looks like the type of guy that used to have velcro instead of shoelaces. You know, the shoes you see on blokes stacking shelves at ASDA.

Man City v Liverpool

  • Liverpool still can’t defend.
  • Man City should be title favourites. They’re the only time that can be up 3-0 and THEN decide to bring on Jesus.
  • Sell Coutinho. The biggest one season wonder I can remember FPL wise.


That’s what I noticed about the weekend…. what about you guys?

Let me know in the comments.


29 comments on “Seags’ Scrawlings- GW2

  1. Fergy

    please rate my team

    Krul – (Mannone)
    Jones – Debuchy – Clyne – (Bruce – Wisdom)
    Mata – Siggy – Ramsey – Fabregas – Tadic
    Rooney – Costa – (Naismith)

  2. garywiddrington

    “Ashley Young is a diver. In other news, bears shit in the woods, Joey Barton is a cunt, and the Catholic Church encourages pedophilia.” Ha ha ha. Quality.

  3. Holly

    “Sell Coutinho” I’m glad you’ve said that as I’ve been thinking of trading him in this weekend. Only problem is I can’t decide who to trade him in for, I’ve already got Mata, Sigurdsson, Ramsay & Fabregas so I was thinking someone along the lines of Lamela, Sterling or Silva. Any tips on who may be the best bet out of those? Cheers!

      • theultimateandy

        Sterling seems to be developing into a beast, but I’d go Silva. You should always have at least 1 City player in ur team. They can and do score big against every team in the league. That’s how I usually look at it anyways.

        • Holly

          True. Am very happy with my midfield apart from Coutinho. I thought definitely Sterling but is he going to get the regular game time with Balotelli in the picture now? Good point about Silva, i think he starts every game but isn’t he usually subbed or have i imagined that?

          • Bio Eden Hazard

            I’m afraid of Balotelli with Sterling to be honest. I think I would get Lamela actually

          • theultimateandy

            According to the Midfielders section on this site: ‘7 goals and 12 assists from just 28 appearances last season is a great return’. Plus a lot of people seem to be ignoring him, he’s a POD at 12.6% ownership. He scored in City’s first game and gets the extra point with a clean sheet.

            But Sterling is 0.4mil cheaper and Lamela is 1mil cheaper…

          • Holly

            Yes I’ve noticed not many have Silva. I think in that case i’ll go for Silva and see if he can make the difference for my midfield. Might stick Jovetic in there after his great performance against Liverpool too, surely he must be starting

          • theultimateandy

            ha! I have Jovetic and Silva too… fingers crossed for this wkend. I reckon they’ll ruin Stoke!

  4. N1qQ45 4R3 K1nG5

    Yeah, that seemed oddly informative… I guess thanks?
    Althogh not sure about the large KFC meal… Im all for it! hehe

    • tseagrim Post Author

      You’ve never had a large KFC meal, then finished the last bite and looked at yourself covered in grease and slimy cardboard boxes and just thought… “What have I done? I’m a monster!”

      Happens far too regularly. A McFlurry normally stops the angst though.

      • N1qQ45 4R3 K1nG5

        When you put it like that…. I guess, but when someone else buys it for you, I’ll take it with open arms and no regrets 🙂

  5. Kevin

    “There were less shots in the game than a 9 year old girl managed with an Uzi at ‘Bullets and Burgers’ in the USA. Look it up.”
    Maybe too early?………. HELL NO, friggen funny!

  6. clajim80

    Absolute quality. Funniest FPL article I’ve ever read. Keep it coming ! Ashleys a diver, bartons a cunt…….will grin about that for weeks.

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