Yo dudes- welcome to Seags’ scrawlings for 2014.
This article is purely about what I’ve noticed about the Premier League over the weekends games, through the eyes of my FPL tinted glasses. It will be slightly informative, but more about making jokes about celebrities that are fuckheads. Rolf Harris, for example, will cop a pasting all year.
So without further ado, here’s what I learnt this week.
Aston Villa 0 v Newcastle 0
- Remy Cabella is a slippery slippery player. He’ll cause a lot of headaches for defenders and is one to keep an eye on… don’t let his 0 attacking returns so far fool you. He’ll come good eventually
- Between Guzan, Hutton and Senderos, there’s surely a candidate for an advanced hair ambassador. When they stand next to each other they look like a 6 year olds knuckles.
- Newcastle will click eventually. Probably around Bastille Day.
Chelsea 2 v Leicester 0
- Fabregas and Oscar are interchanging between dropping deep and playing forward. This probably hurts the Brazilian’s output, but it’s fab for Fab.
- Leicester aren’t shit. I mean, they won’t set the world on fire, but at least they’re not QPR.
- Diego Cost-a fortune, but he’s worth it. News emanating about his hamstring injury should be taken with a grain of salt until anything is done about him though.
Crystal Palace 1 v West Ham 3
- West Ham is an anagram of Wet Sham. Or Ham Stew. Both are entertaining.
- Any team that concedes three goals to West Ham should be sent to the glue factory.
- What does it say about Arsenal that they only just got up against Crystal Palace AT HOME!
Southampton 0 v West Brom 0
- Dusan Tadic sounds like the name of a European prostitute trafficker that Liam Neeson would thwart in ‘Taken‘, but he’s actually a mighty fine final ball player. Don’t forget about him.
- There were less shots in the game than a 9 year old girl managed with an Uzi at ‘Bullets and Burgers’ in the USA. Look it up.
- Only 4 players who started the first home game of Southampton’s 2013/14 season started the first of this season.
Swansea v Burnley
- Sigurdsson is a must have. He’s playing a juicier role than the role Sofia Vergara plays in Fading Gigolo.
- She plays an escort. Sofia Vergara. Plays. An. Escort. There’s my weekend sorted.
- Burnley’s manager looks like a grown up Ron Weasley on Steroids who has lost his wife and spent his life savings on the pokies. Maybe.
- Nobody from Burnley is fantasy relevant. Nobody.
Everton v Arsenal
- Giroud is out which means it’s Sanogo or Sanchez filling the void up front. Ones to consider.
- Steven Naismith just keeps getting it done. Bringing him in would make me feel dirty though. Like eating a large KFC meal. Or enjoying midget porn.
Hull v Stoke
- Calling it now- Hull will finish top 10. Defensively sound.
- Calling it now- Stoke will be relegated. I hope. They’ve annoyed me for far too long
- Stoke have kept 3 clean sheets in 25 PL matches. Avoid.
Tottenham v QPR
- QPR are the worst defensive side I’ve seen in the last 10 years in the PL. It’s like they want to concede.
- Rio Ferdinand, Rob Green and Richard Dunne wouldn’t make the 4×100 metre relay team at an Under 8 sports day in Chernobyl.
- Lamela is dazzling. It’s a matter of time before he goes all Boston Marathon on us and explodes into the headlines.
Sunderland v Man United
- Man United have the worst back line of anyone besides QPR.
- Ashley Young is a diver. In other news, bears shit in the woods, Joey Barton is a cunt, and the Catholic Church encourages pedophilia.
- Cleverley looks like the type of guy that used to have velcro instead of shoelaces. You know, the shoes you see on blokes stacking shelves at ASDA.
Man City v Liverpool
- Liverpool still can’t defend.
- Man City should be title favourites. They’re the only time that can be up 3-0 and THEN decide to bring on Jesus.
- Sell Coutinho. The biggest one season wonder I can remember FPL wise.
That’s what I noticed about the weekend…. what about you guys?
Let me know in the comments.