Another week, another 10 games to teach me things about the Premier League.
Burnley 0 – 0 Manchester United
- When you’re on camera, we all know it puts on 10 pounds. But how many cameras has Oliviera Anderson fucking eaten?
- Buying Falcao was a nice idea, but not at all what Man United need. It’s the equivalent of putting makeup on the birds from Geordie Shore. It helps- but there’s still a shitload more that needs fixing.
- Man United are like a used piece of chewing gum. They both know what the bottom of a table looks like.
Man City 0 – 1 Stoke
- Last week I said Man City would win the title
- Last week I said Stoke would be relegated
- I should stop making predictions because they turn out to be completely the opposite of what happens.
- I predict Cheryl Cole will not give me a blowjob.
Newcastle 3 – Crystal Palace 3
- This Aarons kid can play.
- That was Mike Williamson’s first goal for the club. Don’t be fooled.
- Newcastle have lost 16 of their past 25 league games. Pardew is a spud.
QPR 1 – 0 Sunderland
- Harry Redknapp and Niko Kranjcar are like Rolf Harris and teenage girls. Wherever you find one, the other is sure to be close by.
- Remy going means Charlie Austin will be a very prominent player up front for QPR.
- Sunderland are beyond the realms of crapiness. They lost to QPR for fucks sake. Even worse, they DREW with Man United.
Swansea 3 – 0 West Brom
- Swansea are the Newcastle of 2012. I’m expecting big things from them this year.
- The Swans have scored 6 goals so far this year and Bony hasn’t scored any. They’re contributing from everywhere!
- Gylfi Sigurdsson‘s first name is worth exactly the same as his second name in a game of scrabble. Twelve.
West Ham 1 – 3 Southampton
- Big Sam has a face like a Bulldog sucking a tampon.
- Southampton shouldn’t be worried about being raided. They’ve replaced their outgoing players with solid cover.
Everton 3 – 6 Chelsea
- Tim Howard copped more shots than Reeva Steenkamp during a midnight shit.
- Naismith surely has to stop scoring soon. Doesn’t he?
- Ivanovic is nearing must have status. He sprints down the right wing like he’s just escaped from the Gaza Strip.
Aston Villa 2 – 1 Hull
- Aston Villa winning is a little bit like Jesus walking on water. It has apparently happened, but you’ve never seen it with your own eyes. It’s merely something you hear about.
- Hull have had the best transfer deadline day of anyone in recent History.
Tottenham 0 – 3 Liverpool
- Tottenham are still mediocre.
- Balotelli could have scored 3 goals if he could use his head as well as MH370 used its cloaking device.
- Adebayor looks like the type of guy that would sell you oversized sunglasses on a Spanish Beach. Untrustworthy.
Leicester 1 – 1 Arsenal
- Sanogo was so bad he made Danny Welbeck look like a desirable alternative.
- Sanchez is starting to get in the right spots at the right times. If he clicks soon, he could go bang.
- Leicester forward Ulloa has scored 2 premier league goals- both in the 22nd minute.
That’s what I learnt this week.
Tweet me with what you learnt and I’ll RT the best ones.