Can I get a “thank fuck the international break is over?” No? Well… it is, so let’s get down to seeing what the 10 games taught me this week.
Arsenal 2 – 2 Man City
- Danny Welbeck almost scored on his debut. He also almost resembled a footballer- which was a welcome change.
- If Demichelis is scoring against you, you need to assess where your life is at.
- Jack Wilshere ALWAYS falls over. He spends more time on his hands and knees than Gianna Michaels. Never heard of her? Look her up and I’ll see you after you’ve washed your hands.
Chelsea 4- 2 Swansea
- Costa scored as many goals in this game as Newcastle have all year
- Costa has scored 7 times more goals this year than QPR and Burnley.
- I bet he has a really massive shlong.
West Brom 0 – 2 Everton
- Jonas Olsson’s clearance found Lukaku like hurricanes find California.
- Ben Foster is a bit like Michael Jackson. They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
Sunderland 2 – 2 Tottenham
- Pochettino sounds like what Pinocchio’s brother should be called.
- Sunderland’s players saw more yellows than the customs officer at Beijing airport.
- Spurs are still mediocre.
Stoke 0 – 1 Leicester
- If this weeks fixtures were all olympic events, this one was synchronised swimming. Boring, predictable, and if you held your breath ’til the end of the routine you’d be dead.
- This Ulloa bloke looks untrustworthy. The sort of bloke that would sell you sneakers in Turkey and then convince you to sleep with his father. That type of bloke.
Crystal Palace 0 – 0 Burnley
- Apparently a woman leapt to her death by jumping into a crocodile infested pond. If you were watching this game, you’d understand how she felt.
- Kanye West has told more disabled people to stand up, than Burnley have scored 2014 PL goals.
Southampton 4 – 0 Newcastle
- Alan Pardew should be about as dispensable as foreskin on a Jew.
- If Mike Ashley flung a branded sneaker from the cash register at one of his Sports Direct stores, chances are he’d hit a customer who would make a better manager than Alan Pardew.
- But seriously, how has Pardew still got a job?
Liverpool 0 – 1 Aston Villa
- Sterling’s currency has fallen after failing to start. Who the fuck is Lallana anyway?
- Unlike Rihanna, Aston Villa haven’t been beaten all year.
Manchester United 4 – 0 QPR
- Di Maria was more explosive than ISIS.
- 2 British tourists died on a Thai beach after this game. Unfortunately Joey Barton wasn’t one.
- Lous Van Gaal did his best Elton John impression and penetrated the R’s over and over and over and over.
Hull 2 – 2 West Ham
- West Ham fans are calling Allardyce ‘The Iceberg’, because he managed to breach the Hull twice.
- Steve Bruce has two first names. I suppose it makes up for the surname extravaganza that is Curtis Davies.
- The best thing about West Ham is that their name reminds me of Bacon.
As per usual, let me know what you learnt from this week’s games in the comments or on Twitter.