That time of week again. I’ve raised the cunt level yet again. If you’re offended, I’d like to say I’m terribly sorry… but I’m not. Love you all.
- Hull 2 – 0 Crystal Palace
- Jelavic had yet another successful shot. But, I suppose if you’re a Croatian who was born in Bosnia, shooting is just something that comes naturally to you.
- Neil Warnock could moonlight as a Laughing clown at the fair.
- Leicester 2 – 2 Burnley
- Jutkiewicz is the worthy heir to the scrabble throne. Bad luck Gylfi.
- I’d make more jokes about Burnley if I knew any of their players. Apparently they’re footballers.
- If you can tell the difference between Barnsley and Burnley, you watch too much football.
- Liverpool 2 – 1 West Brom
- Berahino is completely out of West Brom’s league. Think Johnny Knoxville in The Ringer.
- Jordan Henderson is like the autistic kids that stack shelves at supermarkets. You don’t have to pay him much, it looks like his Mum has helped him do his hair, but his efficiency is both surprising and welcomed.
- Seriously Skrtel, buy a fucking vowel.
- Sunderland 3 – 1 Stoke
- Stoke had Moses, yet still couldn’t part the Red and White sea.
- Anyone who concedes 3 goals to Sunderland should be legally obliged to give them a Facebook apology.
- Swansea 2 – 2 Newcastle
- What kind of a name is Gylfi anyway? That’s not a first name- it’s the word I use to describe Madonna.
- Papiss Cisse took his first two shots of the year that weren’t at child soldiers.
- Aston Villa 0 – 2 Man City
- It’s official- Pellegrini is an atheist. He prefers Milner to Jesus.
- Man City turned up later than Lindsay Lohan’s period.
- Man United 2 – 1 Everton
- Watching Man United defend at times is like watching your pet dogs have sex. You really shouldn’t be enjoying it.
- Di Maria is as lethal with his feet as George RR Martin is with a pen.
- Chelsea 2 – 0 Arsenal
- Arsenal had zero shots on target.
- Arsene has zero wins v Mourinho.
- Arsenal has zero chance of winning the title.
- Mezut Ozil looked as lost as Madeleine McCann in a foreign country.
- The only thing less desirable than playing a match against Chelsea at the moment is kidnapping Liam Neeson’s daughter.
- Tottenham 1 – 0 Southampton
- For the first time since 2001, an Ericsson was in range.
- Chadli doesn’t score lots of points, but he keeps slotting in the returns every week. He’s as consistent as my Grandad’s morning shit after his customary 8 Weet Bix.
- West Ham 2 – 0 QPR
- I get as much joy watching QPR as a blind guy does listening to a Maria Sharapova match.
- Rio Ferdinand played his 500th EPL match on the weekend. I’d like to say he’s aged like a fine wine, but unfortunately he’s aged like Haley Joel Osment. (The kid from the sixth sense)
That’s all I learnt this week. I’ll see y’all in two weeks.